ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me My dog
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what