Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot