hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Every haunted house movie:
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”