*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.