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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵