Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
This is what makes twitter great
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji