I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.