Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Velcrow
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”