I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.