why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played