There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here