GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active