[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Never mess with a drunken pig.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no