Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.