You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.