He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
This dude got his own movie?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.