When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.