The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.