Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date