[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child