her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.