I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Worst Native American name ever.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
❤️❤️❤️
Awwwww shit.