My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Ummm
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.