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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
✌🏽
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
S O O N
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.