[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*