Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread