Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I created you as mosquito food.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what