“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My circle of trust is a meatball
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”