Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”