dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.