Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared