2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
What?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.