If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
dutch is not a serious language