In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.