Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I was bored.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot