Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me