I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver