home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.