Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”