I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I want this so bad
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”