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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”