[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Tuesday
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.