My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.