me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
What an awful time to have common sense.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
mmm onion ringos
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Cannot stop laughing at this
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.