Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’ve had worse
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs