If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
accurate
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
never deleting this app.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.