How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
You Might Also Like
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I put the h in mysterious.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.