What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”