Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
when dads have a rap battle
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
classic mixup
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.