velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead